Am I Really...?

 Am I really wise? Beyond my years, still? 

My mom used to say I was, but I was twelve. 

I no longer feel wise, I feel naive now. And yet the choices that I make, I make knowing full well how much hurt I might be signing up for. Does being wise mean always playing it safe? Probably not. 

I guess I am wise after all... I guess I do just love the thrill of the gamble. Especially when I can bend the rules.

Am I really kind? 

Oh I hope I am.

For the good of generations to come, I hope I find within myself the kindness that would make me proud. 

I feel kind, most of the time. I pride myself in being nonjudgemental and in allowing room for feelings and words and silence. Is that kindness? 

I'm no longer kind to strangers. I don't have it in me anymore, but by my honor I will teach my son that all deserve his kindness. That kindness is not to be earned, it's to be gifted, and that, while you're young and carefree, there's plenty to go around.

Am I really a warrior of justice and truth?

In hypothetical situations, over a few drinks, I suppose I still am.

To my detriment, most of the time, I will fight for the truth, and honesty and transparency, that I believe will save the world. Am I wrong?... Probably. But it's my truth and I stand by it.

And I stand by all who have been wronged. Even in thought. I vow to myself to do my best; to at least not fall prey to herd mentality. And my best is the best that I can do.

Am I really resilient?

I may not seem so, and other people may have pushed through harder times than I.

But I feel resilient. 

\Yeah, I may complain, and I may take my sweet time completing a task, or a stage in my life. But I sure do it, and I end up doing it well... By my standards.

Am I really curious?

Oh absolutely! 

About nothing and everything all at once.

About the experience of being a bee, and about the Universe that is a stranger. About life... and death, and possibility.

The minute something becomes exact, or clear, or definite, I may lose interest, that is true; but wow, that inital ravenous curiosity on my first encounter with a thougt... That fuels me. 

Am I really enough?

...

Yes. Yes I am.

Take care!

Anger

There is a rage within me that will not subside.

For the past few days, my inner voice has been screaming with every heartbeat. At the weather I normally love. At a power cut that may have otherwise seemed funny. At any inkling of obtuseness, or a delayed response. The drunk across the street that would not shut up - I feel like yelling in his face. An old lady stopping suddenly in front of me - normally I would be patient - now, I want to scream at her, the same split-second. 

It's not a wail, or a yelp or a shriek. It's a battle-cry. The inarticulate bellow which, if revealed, would nonetheless be clear - perhaps clearer to any witnesses, than me. It's instant. I feel it forming in my throat, spawning a snarl across my lips. 

There is nothing but aggression. There is no pain, nor want for something. There is no immediate frustration - just Rage.

I keep this beast hidden. For now, only few have glimpsed its shadow. They're not yet terrified - just worried; and sometimes resentful. I understand.

Take care!

You have my heart...

You have my heart.

I wouldn't know how to take it back, even if I wanted to. 

I feel like I could love you forever. And although there is an entire list of reasons why I like you, I love you for none of them. I just do. It's like a universal humming that makes it all OK. The high of being near you, and the low of worrying about our future; the good that is your patience, and the bad that is my anxiety; the light in your eyes and the darkness within each of us; the warmth of your embrace and the chill in my heart when you're not near. It is all submerged in this cosmic wave of balanced and steady... something. Something clear, but with a violet hue. With star-like sparkles all around... and it smells like... baked apples and clean linen. 

It has to be love. This has to be the most accurate description of love, if there has ever been one.

You have my heart, my mind, my soul, my everything.

And I hope I never want it back.

Take care!

The Illusionist

You see the poster, you buy the ticket and you go inside.

It's just smoke and mirrors.

The room seems to change decor each time you shift your gaze. At first it's a library, full of books - old and new, exciting and intriguing, then it's a playground, then a chess-board, then a playground again, with swings and carousels and a sandbox. Then it's a home; for a brief second, it's Heaven. and then it turns back into a chess board. And he's always there - guiding you, urging you on, trusting you to keep your cool.

It's just smoke and mirrors.

He wears a heart on each sleeve, and you can never tell for sure which one is his own, and which one he borrowed from a book on card tricks. He'll take your own and pull its strings and tear it to shreds, only to put it back together again. And when you think you're safe, that the show is over and you can go home, he'll tell you to "pick a card, any card".

It's just smoke and mirrors.

You pull a card out from the deck hoping with all your might that it's a simple 2 or 3, but when you flip it over, you're rendered stunned and speechless, because the card in your hand keeps morphing back and forth between the King of Hearts and the Red Joker, and your heart sinks and skips a beat with every transformation.

It's just smoke and mirrors.

Surely you could leave. But will you? Knowing that it's all smoke and mirrors is what keeps it safe, right? But that chill in the air is real. And so is the road you took to get here, which is what makes the illusion even more believable.

It's just smoke and mirrors.

And you are compelled to stick around till the end of the show, when the mirrors come down and the smoke clears and you get to see the man behind the mask.

Take care! 

When we're fourty...

*Just a few lines I wrote before I met you...*

Why is life such a heinous witch?

And how did the simple decision to start talking to some guy I had found on a forum years ago change my entire perspective on men, relationships and the human race, in general, so much?

I wonder if your eyes light up when you smile at our little inside jokes...

I wonder if you daydream about that moment when we'll meet, be it next week, in 10 years, or when we're old and grey. I can't wait to take our wheelchairs for a spin in a park, by the way. (you choose the park)

We are yet to discover a subject on which we disagree completely, and yet it feels like we've talked about everything under the sun.

I wonder who you'll end up with, and I hope, with all my heart, that you'll fall madly in love with her. I hope she'll spark new ideas in your mind every week, and make you smile every day. I hope she has a sweet voice you'll want to hear in the morning, even before your bitter coffee. I wonder what her name is... I don't think you've met her yet...

And you'll turn slightly sad when she tells you something funny one of her guy-friends said that day, and then blame it on your hard day at work. "She doesn't have to know." But she knows... And she can't really tell if she's happy or sad that you can't put anything important into words. But she will. She'll be the kind of girl who tells you exactly what she thinks or feels, because she won't be afraid words will make it real. She'll know it's real anyway...

Oh I hope you find one another.

That way, by the time you're fourty, you won't have missed what could have been the best years in a relationship. You'd have been through it all. The fun 20s, the chilled out 30s and you'll just begin to really organize things in your lives; together.

I hope she's pretty. So pretty, I wouldn't dare to look at her. So pretty, all your friends will envy you. And faithful. I hope she'll never do or say or even think anything to hurt you, ever. And if she does, she'll have me to answer to. Just... Just put her on the phone.

Oh, we're worlds apart, but you're so much a part of my world, that I feel it would collapse if we were to miss even one week.

You'll be hard to explain, that's for sure....

Take care!